Today has been one of those days where I feel like even though there are clouds outside, it is really raining inside. I can't quite put my finger on the issue today. I did the Gabe Zimmerman Saguaro Labor Day 5K yesterday. I should be feeling great and instead, I am feeling let down, depressed...deflated.
The fact that four of my most recent lost lbs. found me again couldn't possibly be the thing. It is just that I have had great success in the past three weeks and was down 18 lbs! Then this morning...what the heck?! I know there are so many factors in this rollercoaster of weight loss, but COME ON!
Okay, four lbs. and this stupid guy who I don't really even like but who seemed to want to go out again, made a date and then blew me off. Seriously, I am fifty years old! I can't even believe he had the nerve. Why make a date at all? Why even bother?
I am tired of just letting these things happen. In my heart I have told him every way to Sunday, but in my brain I am saying, why are you letting your pride make a big deal out of this? He is not your dream man, not even close, and there is no love lost. Just pride. Let it go...give it up buttercup! Tomorrow you just start again and stop thinking about yourself, there are others out there who need your help on many different levels.
Okay, twenty-four hours of pitty party is enough.
Tomorrow we begin again.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Diet of Hope
In 2012 I did Dr. Gann's Diet of Hope to try to get some of my weight off again. I had ballooned up to 286 and lost about 40 lbs. during the initial 6 weeks of that program. It is a very strict High Protein/Low Carb diet. So, on August 17th of this year when I found myself again at a very near all time high of 315 lbs. I decided it was time to start over in earnest.
This year I have been looking back a lot. I guess turning 50 does that to you. Today when I began to look at my weight loss and gain over the past few years as this blog shows it has gone from as low as 240 and as high as 329. Thant is a difference of 89 lbs. That is an entire small adult! (I actually know some 90 lb. folks). It seems like 240 and 250 are difficult weights for me to maintain and pass.
This time, I have decided to face this thing head on - one day at a time.
On August 17th I weighed 315 lbs. Today my scale said 301.2. So there you go. I can still lose weight. I don't know why I always give up. It is not really a giving up as much as a returning to old behaviors. Ice cream has always seemed like a good idea, but eating it every day or even several times a week has proven deadly for me.
I had promised myself back in 2012 that I would be at my goal weight of 180 by the time I turned 50. Interestingly enough, if I had kept off all the weight I have lost and regained over the past 3 years I probably would have made it to that goal.
For now, walking at least 10,000 steps a day and keeping to a strict diet is working, however I know that probably in another week I am going to have to step up and vary the exercise. I definitely need the strength training and yoga has got to make a comeback.
Why this continued lifelong obsession with weight...it is all about self-image of course. How I see myself and more importantly how I feel about myself at any give time is reflected in my weight. Luckily I am mostly healthy, though this year has been a little challenging with anemia and some arthritis popping up but I am determined to push through.
I am starting a new spiritual directions class in September and I am ever hopeful that both the spiritual and the physical work I am doing will lead to a much improved me by the end of the year, AND I can extend that goal of losing to my goal by the end of my fiftieth year. To reach that goal I would have to lose about 121 lbs. over the next 10 months. This is actually doable at 12 lbs. a month or 3 lbs. a week. I guess it is time to start visualizing that and making it my truth.
I think it is important to find the way toward this goal because I want to live a long and healthy life. My kids have not started their families yet and I want to be a cool, active gramma when they do AND I want to have a lot more fun as the years go by. I have been really thinking about gastric bypass again, but in my heart of hearts I feel that is just not the path for me. So here I go, one day, one pound at a time until I can reveal the me that has been waiting to come out.
Thanks for listening!
This year I have been looking back a lot. I guess turning 50 does that to you. Today when I began to look at my weight loss and gain over the past few years as this blog shows it has gone from as low as 240 and as high as 329. Thant is a difference of 89 lbs. That is an entire small adult! (I actually know some 90 lb. folks). It seems like 240 and 250 are difficult weights for me to maintain and pass.
This time, I have decided to face this thing head on - one day at a time.
On August 17th I weighed 315 lbs. Today my scale said 301.2. So there you go. I can still lose weight. I don't know why I always give up. It is not really a giving up as much as a returning to old behaviors. Ice cream has always seemed like a good idea, but eating it every day or even several times a week has proven deadly for me.
I had promised myself back in 2012 that I would be at my goal weight of 180 by the time I turned 50. Interestingly enough, if I had kept off all the weight I have lost and regained over the past 3 years I probably would have made it to that goal.
For now, walking at least 10,000 steps a day and keeping to a strict diet is working, however I know that probably in another week I am going to have to step up and vary the exercise. I definitely need the strength training and yoga has got to make a comeback.
Why this continued lifelong obsession with weight...it is all about self-image of course. How I see myself and more importantly how I feel about myself at any give time is reflected in my weight. Luckily I am mostly healthy, though this year has been a little challenging with anemia and some arthritis popping up but I am determined to push through.
I am starting a new spiritual directions class in September and I am ever hopeful that both the spiritual and the physical work I am doing will lead to a much improved me by the end of the year, AND I can extend that goal of losing to my goal by the end of my fiftieth year. To reach that goal I would have to lose about 121 lbs. over the next 10 months. This is actually doable at 12 lbs. a month or 3 lbs. a week. I guess it is time to start visualizing that and making it my truth.
I think it is important to find the way toward this goal because I want to live a long and healthy life. My kids have not started their families yet and I want to be a cool, active gramma when they do AND I want to have a lot more fun as the years go by. I have been really thinking about gastric bypass again, but in my heart of hearts I feel that is just not the path for me. So here I go, one day, one pound at a time until I can reveal the me that has been waiting to come out.
Thanks for listening!
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Military Diet or Bust!
Well, here I am again. I have gained and lost and gained and gained and gained. So, three weeks ago I started the Military Diet with my daughter that has three days of hard core dieting with four days a bit more relaxed and of course exercise encouraged!
The good news is as of today I am more than 15 pounds down. This has taken real effort. I went to the doctor, found out I was extremely anemic and with the weight gain I was finding it hard to get through the day let alone move. I am happy to say that I am feeling better and I am moving again and the weight is slowly dropping. I am trying to look at the "diet" as a life style and exercise as the key to happiness. This is not a punishment but a way to live life differently.
I think it would be fun to live in a body that didn't gain weight so easily. I know it is evolution and genetics and the pure enjoyment of food that has gotten me here, but it is a struggle that is difficult to keep moving with. I am encouraged by others though who cheer me on no matter what and who help make this journey worth it!
The good news is as of today I am more than 15 pounds down. This has taken real effort. I went to the doctor, found out I was extremely anemic and with the weight gain I was finding it hard to get through the day let alone move. I am happy to say that I am feeling better and I am moving again and the weight is slowly dropping. I am trying to look at the "diet" as a life style and exercise as the key to happiness. This is not a punishment but a way to live life differently.
I think it would be fun to live in a body that didn't gain weight so easily. I know it is evolution and genetics and the pure enjoyment of food that has gotten me here, but it is a struggle that is difficult to keep moving with. I am encouraged by others though who cheer me on no matter what and who help make this journey worth it!
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Getting out the Door
I posted on Facebook the other day (with a picture of a runner) that the hardest thing was getting out the front door.
Sometimes I lie to myself. Sometimes it isn't getting out the front door that is hard, sometimes getting out of bed is hard. Today for instance I really wanted to get up early and walk the dogs and then start my day. The thing is, every fiber of my body was hurting and I just wanted one more hour of sleep. I did feel better when I finally got up, but I also did not get that walk in yet today.
When a longtime friend of mine saw the getting out the door post, he said the hardest part is starting over again, and again and again. It is so hard to look at the yoyo of weight loss and know that while you have no desire within you to try one more time - you simply have to. The fact that your knees hurt and and you feel stiff after sitting is just your body's way of saying, "Hey! You gained all this weight so now you are gonna have to do some stuff for all of us to feel better again."
We all want to love ourselves and we want to feel good. We want to live good productive, ACTIVE lives, but after a lifetime of running up against those windmills it can be overwhelming.
SOOOOOO - we might indulge ourselves a bit in some down-time, but better to take a walk, even a short one and get the body moving. My problem is I tend to be all or nothing. It makes it hard on my body to bounce back. It is time though once again to push my self just a bit and make a few good choices each day so that eventually getting out of bed or out the door won't be the hardest thing.
Here is to one more time.
Sometimes I lie to myself. Sometimes it isn't getting out the front door that is hard, sometimes getting out of bed is hard. Today for instance I really wanted to get up early and walk the dogs and then start my day. The thing is, every fiber of my body was hurting and I just wanted one more hour of sleep. I did feel better when I finally got up, but I also did not get that walk in yet today.
When a longtime friend of mine saw the getting out the door post, he said the hardest part is starting over again, and again and again. It is so hard to look at the yoyo of weight loss and know that while you have no desire within you to try one more time - you simply have to. The fact that your knees hurt and and you feel stiff after sitting is just your body's way of saying, "Hey! You gained all this weight so now you are gonna have to do some stuff for all of us to feel better again."
We all want to love ourselves and we want to feel good. We want to live good productive, ACTIVE lives, but after a lifetime of running up against those windmills it can be overwhelming.
SOOOOOO - we might indulge ourselves a bit in some down-time, but better to take a walk, even a short one and get the body moving. My problem is I tend to be all or nothing. It makes it hard on my body to bounce back. It is time though once again to push my self just a bit and make a few good choices each day so that eventually getting out of bed or out the door won't be the hardest thing.
Here is to one more time.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Body Love
I was thinking on my lunch time walk...you just have to love yourself where you are. I know this is not a new concept and I am certainly not the first to say it, but we all need to be reminded.
I have basically been at war with my body since I was about 12 years old. That was when I REALLY saw that I was different from everyone else. The thing is, I wish I had known at the time that while I was different, I was not bad, ugly or unloveable. It is so very basic. I had a good family and friends, and yet the image in my head was FAT. Over the years my weight has been more than a yoyo. It has gone up and down as quickly and easily as my emotions have changed from happy to sad to bored and back again. I have lost 40 lbs on virtually every diet known to man and while I feel better about myself for a while...the love just isn't there.
The Body Love Conference a few months back started me down the path of acceptance. Not accepting that I cannot change, but accepting myself just how I am for now. I am not at a weight that I am happy about right now, but I am exercising. I have committeed to trying to walk 10,000 steps at least 4-5 times a week, I am doing a squat challenge and a pushup challenge and I am doing my best to eat well. I have not lost any weight mind you, but I am trying to push through.
I know from experience that at some point I will be successful again and THIS time, if I can get those 40 lbs off I am going to do my very best to keep them off. I am currently about 42 lbs down from my heaviest weight. It is frightening at times because I know that 42 lbs can come on in a VERY short time for me. I try to remind myself that life has many changes for each of us to handle every day of our lives and we should not spend one minute hating the skin we are in.
I am thankful that I have no health issues, and my life is for the most part balanced with friends and family, work and play. I have been practicing smiling because I know that we all have to fake it till we make it and smiling is one very easy positive thing that I can do for myself everyday that just might also help those around me.
I have basically been at war with my body since I was about 12 years old. That was when I REALLY saw that I was different from everyone else. The thing is, I wish I had known at the time that while I was different, I was not bad, ugly or unloveable. It is so very basic. I had a good family and friends, and yet the image in my head was FAT. Over the years my weight has been more than a yoyo. It has gone up and down as quickly and easily as my emotions have changed from happy to sad to bored and back again. I have lost 40 lbs on virtually every diet known to man and while I feel better about myself for a while...the love just isn't there.
The Body Love Conference a few months back started me down the path of acceptance. Not accepting that I cannot change, but accepting myself just how I am for now. I am not at a weight that I am happy about right now, but I am exercising. I have committeed to trying to walk 10,000 steps at least 4-5 times a week, I am doing a squat challenge and a pushup challenge and I am doing my best to eat well. I have not lost any weight mind you, but I am trying to push through.
I know from experience that at some point I will be successful again and THIS time, if I can get those 40 lbs off I am going to do my very best to keep them off. I am currently about 42 lbs down from my heaviest weight. It is frightening at times because I know that 42 lbs can come on in a VERY short time for me. I try to remind myself that life has many changes for each of us to handle every day of our lives and we should not spend one minute hating the skin we are in.
I am thankful that I have no health issues, and my life is for the most part balanced with friends and family, work and play. I have been practicing smiling because I know that we all have to fake it till we make it and smiling is one very easy positive thing that I can do for myself everyday that just might also help those around me.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Longtime no post!
I can't believe it has been since last July since I posted. It is scary how time flies. In the last post I mentioned a guy who faded away....well he faded back. Said he lost my number when his phone died and then almost a year later realized that verizon could upload all his contacts - probably true, doesn't really matter if it isn't. We are seeing each other again, but I have realized that who I am has little to do with whether or not he calls me - I know big breakthrough!
I just completed yet another weightloss program - naturally slim - through work. Good program actually. Talks about eating slowly - eating only twice a day - eating only when you are hungry and stopping when you are full. I lost 6 lbs. right away, then gained 10, and then lost those...all in 10 weeks! It has been a couple of weeks and at least I am not gaining. I have tried to stop obsessing about food and or working out.
Something really revolutionary that I did was attend the Body Love Conference in Tucson #BLC. It was fabulous and really focused on simply loving yourself. I don' t know why I need permission for that but my whole outlook has really changed. Jes Baker, Tess Munster and World Famous Bob transformed not the way I look at the world, but how I look at myself. So in that spirit I decided to upload some pictures - because I Love who I am and now how I look.
Doesn't really matter how I look but how I feel about who I am and where my life is going. I keep doing races because it keeps me motivated and I keep looking or inspiration in life, love and the persuit of happiness.
I just completed yet another weightloss program - naturally slim - through work. Good program actually. Talks about eating slowly - eating only twice a day - eating only when you are hungry and stopping when you are full. I lost 6 lbs. right away, then gained 10, and then lost those...all in 10 weeks! It has been a couple of weeks and at least I am not gaining. I have tried to stop obsessing about food and or working out.
Something really revolutionary that I did was attend the Body Love Conference in Tucson #BLC. It was fabulous and really focused on simply loving yourself. I don' t know why I need permission for that but my whole outlook has really changed. Jes Baker, Tess Munster and World Famous Bob transformed not the way I look at the world, but how I look at myself. So in that spirit I decided to upload some pictures - because I Love who I am and now how I look.
.jpg) |
| New Headshot for the Deputy Director |
Doesn't really matter how I look but how I feel about who I am and where my life is going. I keep doing races because it keeps me motivated and I keep looking or inspiration in life, love and the persuit of happiness.
 |
| AZ Distance Classic |
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
What is next...
So the weightloss and exercising is at a plateau. I am not really gaining but not making progress and my love life is much the same. I met someone recently who I never felt I was ,"in love with," but I did enjoy spending time with him. We met and dated very regularly for two full months. Then - that is all. He sent a follow up email once and said that next week might be better and then nothing.
After much agonizing over what I said, what he said, if I did something wrong...I finally realized that he was doing what is now called the fadeaway. Apparently men prefer this because they don't have to tell you why or get into any drama. So I am sitting with that. Because all of this work on me is really all about finding out if I can finally find someone to spend my life with.
I find it utterly rediculous that God would want me to be alone. I have a wonderful career, fabulous family, good close friends, and essentially a really good life. But what I want most is to have someone to share that life with. I REALLY tried the online dating thing but have found only a few nice guys and no one who is THE one.
In the past 12 years since my divorce I have dated at least 14 men. None of those relationships have lasted more than 1 or 2 months and it is a stretch at that to call them relationships. I made a couple of nice friends but not anyone to write home about. So then I have to realize that it must be me. I am the common denominator in these scenarios.
I have no idea what is next. I feel as I have for sometime that there must be something more than this but what it is I do not know.
After much agonizing over what I said, what he said, if I did something wrong...I finally realized that he was doing what is now called the fadeaway. Apparently men prefer this because they don't have to tell you why or get into any drama. So I am sitting with that. Because all of this work on me is really all about finding out if I can finally find someone to spend my life with.
I find it utterly rediculous that God would want me to be alone. I have a wonderful career, fabulous family, good close friends, and essentially a really good life. But what I want most is to have someone to share that life with. I REALLY tried the online dating thing but have found only a few nice guys and no one who is THE one.
In the past 12 years since my divorce I have dated at least 14 men. None of those relationships have lasted more than 1 or 2 months and it is a stretch at that to call them relationships. I made a couple of nice friends but not anyone to write home about. So then I have to realize that it must be me. I am the common denominator in these scenarios.
I have no idea what is next. I feel as I have for sometime that there must be something more than this but what it is I do not know.
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