Breaking Down the Wall

I have been struggling wondering why the weight is not coming off. I kept saying I was at a plateau, but I am starting to think it is a wall. I know that for a good portion of my life my weight has been a way of keeping people away. If I am overweight when people don't like me or "love" me, then I have the excuse that it is the weight that keeps them from loving me.

It is not rocket science I know. It is also a buffer...it keeps people from getting in, getting too close. But why now? I have lost 74 lbs. and everywhere I go people tell me how good I look and I do feel good and I feel like I am looking better, so why now. The last time I was at this weight was just after the divorce. At that time I lost 40 lbs. just from the stress. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I've been having dreams about the ex and have been suddenly angry about things that happened so long ago. I thought those feelings had been left behind - feels like they were just buried beneath the pounds.

The sad thing is that I want to be loved. I want to have that amazing relationship that makes me want to share all the big and small things of the day with someone who loves me too. I am learning now to live in the moment and to let the past go...I am thankful that these changes are happening but I can see that it will be a day to day re- commitment for me to focus on today and to let the walls crumble. I have wonderful support systems and tools; I just need to let all of those people and ideas seep into my being so that they become a part of me and there will no longer be the need for the wall because I am safe, happy and loved.

Valley of the Gold 1/2 Marathon

Today I completed my second 1/2 marathon! It was awesome...even though I was on my own it felt good to do the entire thing just for myself. When the announcer said, "Amber Mathewson" you have just completed the 1/2 marathon i threw my arms up and crossed the finish line. It felt so good. I wanted to run a bit more but that is okay for now walking will have to do.

Getting through this weight plateau is my next goal. It is hard after a year of such successful weight loss to see the weight coming off slower, but knowing that I can decide to do a 1/2 marathon and actually train and complete it ....it makes me so happy to know that my body can do these things.

I will be needing another goal soon, but next weekend is the cancer walk at the highschool and on the 19th the Susan B Coleman Race for the cure so at least those things will keep me moving. Also the walking challenge at work ... now if i can just not want to eat!

Image

I think the hardest thing is realizing the changes that have come...in the family picture I am on the far right and weighed in at 329 lbs. You can see that we are a family of good sized people...my image of myself changes with who i am with and what we are doing.

In the full length picture of myself I weigh 257...the face pictures show the same weight changes.

People have told me how different I look and then just the other day a friend saw me on face book and said I looked the same as highschool when I weighed 160 lbs....funny thing is I felt that I looked the same at every weight too and so I wonder if people preceive us as we are or how we think we are?

It is all in preception...why is it so hard to change our self image...or to see ourselves as the world sees us? I love the Zumba classes at Ladies Workout Express because our instructor makes us feel like we are beautiful and when I seen the reflection of us all moving together it is very definitly beautiful...large and small, we are all beautiful.