I have been struggling wondering why the weight is not coming off. I kept saying I was at a plateau, but I am starting to think it is a wall. I know that for a good portion of my life my weight has been a way of keeping people away. If I am overweight when people don't like me or "love" me, then I have the excuse that it is the weight that keeps them from loving me.
It is not rocket science I know. It is also a buffer...it keeps people from getting in, getting too close. But why now? I have lost 74 lbs. and everywhere I go people tell me how good I look and I do feel good and I feel like I am looking better, so why now. The last time I was at this weight was just after the divorce. At that time I lost 40 lbs. just from the stress. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I've been having dreams about the ex and have been suddenly angry about things that happened so long ago. I thought those feelings had been left behind - feels like they were just buried beneath the pounds.
The sad thing is that I want to be loved. I want to have that amazing relationship that makes me want to share all the big and small things of the day with someone who loves me too. I am learning now to live in the moment and to let the past go...I am thankful that these changes are happening but I can see that it will be a day to day re- commitment for me to focus on today and to let the walls crumble. I have wonderful support systems and tools; I just need to let all of those people and ideas seep into my being so that they become a part of me and there will no longer be the need for the wall because I am safe, happy and loved.
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